Well Done Jo!!!

Another sample compo written by my student. She started creative writing lessons with me in Nov 09. This compo was written by her in Mar 10.
She's from a popular school in Tampines and is in P6 this year. She scored 36/40 for this composition.

I was sentenced to five years in jail when I was twenty. Now, at the age of twenty-five, I am being released. I decided to turn over a new leaf and be a successful lawyer. I have a pair of twin brothers, aged ten. Every night, they would request for a story told my me. Once, they asked me to tell them about my experience being a burglar. I paused, as memories flashed before me. [Flashback Technique]

It was a still and silent night. I looked around to see if anyone was watching us while my partner tried to force open the lock of the gate. Being an inexperienced burglar, I did not wear a cap, nor dark sunglasses to conceal my identity. My partner was well-versed in the art of concealment. He was covered from head to toe and not even a hint of skin was visible. The owner of the house was on a vacation to America, and we knew that he was loaded.

Unknown to us, a lady had spotted us and called the police. However, we were much quicker. As soon as the gate was pried open, we ran into separate rooms and my partner started to open drawer after drawer, pulling out everything that he saw and tossing the items carelessly on the floor. In the other room, I was gasping as my eyes widened at the sight of glittering jewellery and wades of notes. After we gathered a large sack of loot, I slung it over my shoulders and poured kerosene all over. We quickly ran out and climbed over the fence. By then, police sirens were blaring louder and louder. I quickly lit a match and threw it over the fence. The flames from the backyard had spread quickly, until the whole house was engulfed in flames. My partner and I ran as fast as our legs could carry us, as if our predators were catching up with us.

We hid in a friend's house, following our plan. From his house, we could see the team of police officers surrounding the house. And also, the residents from neighbouring houses have formed a swelling crowd in front of the house. The sirens wailed as the fire engines sailed down the street. Residents in the neighbouring houses were evacuated as the fire raged on. The firemen quickly grabbed their hoses and battled furiously to save the burning house.

My heart was thumping fast. I felt a deep sense of guilt. At that moment, I decided to turn myself in. [Twist] I looked out of the window once again. A woman was giving details to the policeman. Without hesitation, I dropped the sack of loot and walked towards the crowd. The crowd gave way and like a robot, I walked towards the policeman. The lady, who was giving details, pointed at me and said in Chinese, "It's him! It's him!"

"Yes, officer. I'm the one," as soon as I finished my sentence, the policeman handcuffed me and brought me to the police station for interrogation.

I was then sentenced to give years in jail while my partner got away with his crime. I have not heard from him, even up till today. I am now studying in a university, starting my life anew.

By the time I had finished my story, my two brothers had dozed off. I stood up, switched off the lights and went back to my room. I sat at my study table and began writing. I wrote a story about myself, my life story.

Comments by her school teacher:
Well-written. You used a alot of 'Look, Say, Do' technique.
Story was simple yet vivid enough to form a picture in the reader's mind.
Keep it up!